I don't know where to begin here and some of you may not even care to read what I type here, but for those of you that do and are up to reading this, I guarantee you that you will not be disappointed. So here goes...
First of all, I simply want to offer my sincerest apology. I hurt, confused, lied to, hid from, and used so many of you. I sincerely believed that I was justified in believing what I did was right. I lost my focus on reality a very long time ago and I nursed these thoughts as I grew older. I heard an old message from Andy Stanley that stuck with me because I am living proof of what was said and what he spoke about that day. I had plopped myself down on the couch after a long day at work and what he said resonated with me for some reason...
He mentioned that the devil is patient and waits sometimes a lifetime to get to some of us. He doesn't push himself onto us because he knows that he will scare us away or we will call his bluff, so he waits. A thought here, I lie there and over time he has dropped several chunks of things into our lives. He has been alive for millennia and knows the human race so well. He knows personality types, he knows what motivates us, our needs, our likes and our dislikes. He is no fool and actually has a carefully orchestrated plan for each and every individual. He also has lots of helpers, both seen and unseen to accomplish his goal. He doesn't play games and has been at this for a very long time.
In my case, my gender identity question started early, Satan was at work even as I was yet learning to spell my own name. I was only five and the thoughts of wanting to be a girl used to raid my innocent little mind. Maybe it was something that I saw on tv, maybe it was that I didn't feel like a bunch of the other boys in kindergarten, regardless, I was confused. I would pray to God to change me, but it never happened (it can't).
All of you know me, you know that I am a kind-hearted, soft-spoken, easy-going, and otherwise sweet individual. I am thankful that God created me with such a soft heart, such an ability to appreciate things and feel things that others would walk right by. I also have a very soft spirit. I am sensitive to the Holy Spirit in a way that many never experience. I don't say that to toot my horn or anything like that, I just know that this is how my God made me. Problem is that I was swayed into thinking that these could never possibly ever be manly characteristics. Boys are taught to be rough and tough, but then there was me, a sensitive little cry-baby.
I grew up knowing that I was like that, boys are to be emotionless and girls are the ones who show emotion. So I always had this pervading thought in the back of my mind that if I could have any wish, I would ask the genie to turn me into a female because this me that I certainly was not really me at all. I prayed to God to take away my thoughts, but wrestled again and again with these questions. I had no idea that this was a plan that was being carefully unraveled with evil intentions. The devil was engaged in getting me to believe the lie that I was in the wrong body. One lie, one suggestion, one image at a time. He knew that eventually he would get me to believe it so much so that I would be willing to lose it all to get it.
I crosdressed as a child and kept feeding the dream. I watched shows as I was home by myself in the summertime. I woke up and went to sleep with the tv on. So many shows, so many talk shows, sitcoms, movies. All working to influence me and working to lead me to my delusion. I thought that some day I could be what I loved. I wanted to see my self much differently. As I got older, the feelings got stronger and I acted out on it by raiding my older sister's closet as a teen. I would hear songs by female singers and imagined myself as they. I felt so guilty for having these thoughts and would routinely confess them away in private, but where could I go? I figured that the Lord and I could handle my thought life, the problem is that this lone ranger mentality does not work. Confessing a secret sin to someone never works either. I needed someone to come along side me and help me with the issues that I was dealing with.
The problem is that I hated everything about being a man. I still struggle with much of it. Nice guys always finish last is what I was seeing. Pretty girls liked bad boys. What would a pretty girl want anything to do with sweet me? I used to get the word sweet written on my yearbook all the time. I got so annoyed, but that was what people saw. Now I know that most women want to have a man who in sensitive, kind and thoughtful, not this bad boy who just stereotypes her as some sexual object. I had no idea, I just thought that I had been born a mistake. Why do I cry so easily God? Why do I think like this or that? So many questions from a questioning teen...
As I left for Bible college in late 1988 with my best friend John, I felt like I was past these questions, but Satan was never too far. During school I was able to put these thoughts and desires away because I was a guy and I really liked girls. Being away from home and in another state opened up my eyes and I was able to meet so many different people. I met one girl, dated and broke up and then found another that interested me and did the same. I put my transgender thoughts down and buried them in the past, but I never ever really dealt with them. The devil knew that and was happy to be ever so patient with me.
One night however, I was confronted with those hidden things. I had just come back from shooting a video in New Orleans and I was just really spiritually weak. I had gone to bed and something that had plagued me happened again that left me feeling helpless. A demonic spirit came into my dorm room and began to sit on top of me as I was sleeping. I had had encounters like these before because as a child I could see clear impressions of some thing on my bed when I would go to my bedroom. This was a lot like that, but now this entity took up the entire space of the room itself. I tried to open my mouth but it was as if I could not open my mouth from the abject fear that had overcome me. I proceeded to say, "in the name of Jesus, I rebuke you". It laughed at me and began to mock me by saying that I didn't even believe that. It continued to breathe heavily right into my face. I could feel that heat of the breaths on my now sweaty face. I drummed up all that I had in me in faith and finally yelled out, "in Jesus name and by His blood on the cross shed for me, I rebuke you Satan, get away from here!" Immediately, as if it were sucked out of my room by a powerful vacuum, the entity left my room. My best friend John heard my yelling and had been praying for me all of the time while I was being attacked. I ran through the bathroom that divided our rooms and with tear in my eyes, told him what had happened. I was a pile of tears and we hugged there for a while. He prayed over me and I felt better. Oh, if I had only confided in him these thoughts back then.
Afterwards, I went to get a drink of water out in the dorm room hallway and as I put my lip onto the stream of water coming from the fountain, I heard that entity speak yet again. It simply said, "Don't you ever forget, I know just how to get to you." I knew then and there exactly what it was talking about. There was no doubt in my mind. My gender identity issues were definitely the ways and means that the devil was going to try and destroy my life. Again though, it was my secret and my deal. God and I could handle this...
I married my college sweetheart in 1997, she was so innocent, kind and a real catch. Her gentle spirit coincided right with mine and oh did she ever have a heart for God. She was beautiful in every way. A very rare find and she was my gift. Her parents almost made that not possible. We had just come back from a wonderful mission trip to Hungary and Romania. God used us all in powerful ways those three weeks and we both were so grateful to have gone. The next thing to get finalized was our marriage which was scheduled for August of 1991. I went home to California and she went home to Minnesota. It was only a few weeks and I get a different kind of phone call from me fiancé. She was in tears and told me that her parents wanted to her to call the wedding off because there was something that they felt was wrong with me. They did not want their daughter to suffer in the future from marrying me. They knew, the Lord had revealed it to them. They didn't know what, but they knew that this would damage their daughter unmercifully. I hastily made a trip to Minnesota that same day.
Upon arriving, we met with her mom and dad and some close spiritual friends, they were probing me and asking me questions that lasted into the wee early hours of the morning. I finally confessed to them and everyone there, including her brothers and sister that I liked to crossdress, but apparently they did not think that this was my problem. I never told them the truth though. The truth was that I dreamed of becoming a woman someday. That was still between God and I, our little secret...
They cancelled our plans and two twenty-one year olds were devastated. I fought to get her back and by 1994, I proposed to her yet again and she said yes. Over time we were able to get her parent's blessing and in the spring of 1997, we were finally married. We, however struggled from day one, nothing of her doing whatsoever. She was perfect in every way and loved me with all her heart. I sang, "I Will Be Here" to her, but my secret was still hidden. That secret started to come out in the form of my constant desire to look up transgender/crossdressing stories on the internet. I fed my desires for years as I hid that from her. For me, it was never a pornographic obsession, it was simply a desire to see examples of people who actually were able to change their gender. I was obsessed and I could not get enough. Only a few months into our marriage, my wife discovered that I had been in contact with someone on the internet. She called me out on it and I told her that it wasn't what she thought, I was not cheating on her. I promised her that I would not talk to anyone online and she never asked me anything else. I was actually in a conversation with a transgender person in a tg chat room. I was fascinated and asking this person all kinds of questions. Again, Satan at work adding to his carefully constructed rock pile that he was designing for not only my destruction but for the destruction of my wife and our entire future family. Like I said, the devil is extremely patient...
I continued to entertain my thoughts and every time that I had an out of town job, I would use my off-hours to feed my obsession. This lasted for years and I would stop out of guilt, but then continue to do the same thing and read tg fiction months later. It just kept on gaining more and more momentum and continued to damage our marital relationship. She was not my love interest anymore, somewhere along the road, I had replaced her with me. She wondered what she could do to gain my interest again, but it was to no avail. She would literally go to bed in tears waiting for me to come to bed, but I was engrossed on my couch reading yet another account of a boy turned into a girl by her mom or a brother turned into a bridesmaid by her sister. I know, sick, some of you say, but I am willing to admit that this was my struggle. This was my burden to bear. I thought that I could eventually just take this to the grave with me. Satan however, had plans that were much more grand. He uses the weaknesses in our lives to carefully place them in a place where maximum impact can be achieved. If I only knew then that this was the hellish plans that he had ever so patiently been working out for decades. He waited until I had turned forty-one and had five kids. He then sprung his plan onto me.
In the fall of 2011, my wife had plans to have us all go visit her sister and family over in Joplin, Missouri over the Thanksgiving holidays. I knew that I had two days of work that had been scheduled and so I asked her to go by herself and take the kids. All of a sudden it hit me, I would be alone. I could see me for the first time. I could finally discover the me that I had hidden for so long. No need to read about it anymore, I could now be it. So I made my plans, I spent money on wigs, makeup, and clothing. I saw this person and was changed after that. It was now not enough to just read it, I had to be it. So I did just that. My wife discovered my secret and she tried to help me get out, but it was to no avail, I was in too deep. All of Satan's plans were now in full force, he hand gotten me to believe my lie. I was a woman and I would prove that fact to the world no matter what the cost. I figured that I needed to be honest with myself and I was going to finally be me. Other people would just have to deal with it.
So on November 11, 2013, I walked out the door of our home and into the rest of my life. She told me that if I started on hormone replacement therapy then I was not welcome back home again. I started HRT the next day and life has never been the same. This was the plan that Satan had and I fulfilled his plans completely. My wife lost her husband, my five kids lost their dad and for what??? To be something that I will never be able to be???
So now I come full circle, although after causing cataclysmic damage to my family and to those who loved me. I was involved in a horrific car accident that left me with three broken bones in my neck. I will never be the same and I am disabled for life. I have had time to reflect during my recovery and God brought a special woman into my life to restore me back to health both spiritually and physically. She has a similar story as mine.
She always felt like a very masculine girl but could equally be as feminine as any woman out there. One day, after becoming a successful business woman she was asked of she knew about female to male transsexuals. She was thirty-eight and lesbian, she had been sexually abused as a child and hated men. She responded by saying that she didn't know anything about it. Later on, she went to the internet to look up FTM and she immediately associated with being just that. Six months later she had removed her breasts and removed her reproductive organs and was on testosterone. She was now looking like a biological male and she became a fierce advocate for the trans community. She was on most major talk shows in the US and Latin America as the miracle woman turned into a man. She actually discovered Jazz Jennings who was embraced by the media as the innocent face of the transgender movement. She fought for twelve years to gain more acceptance and rights for the trans community. Then she met me...
I was left in an ICU in El Paso, Texas after my accident and she came to me. We had met only a few weeks before through a mutual friend who watched our YouTube channels. Our mutual friend suggested that I needed help and that we would be good for each other. For some reason, I packed up my Honda and headed down to seeing this person who went by the name Mark. It is also when I drove off of a high mountain pass in the evening of December 30, 2014. Upon impact with the first tree, I knew that I was not going to survive. I literally flew off of the highway and down a rocky mountainside and landed 300 feet or so later, not dead, but miraculously alive. I spent a freezing night down in the canyon and upon daylight I knew that God would rescue me. A series of miracles happened and I was cabled up and out of there. My life had now literally hit rock bottom. I had nothing and I was nothing. I was carefully airlifted to a trauma center in El Paso and was told that I would need to get life debilitating surgery to fuse my back to my now broken neck. I spoke with my ex-wife about it and she agreed that this was probably best, I was not at peace with that though. That is when she showed up...
She was looking like a he and was as cute as ever. I was drugged up and she brought me a teddy bear and lay it next to my motionless body. I was pretty paralyzed and she had no idea if I was going to survive, if I would be disabled in a wheelchair or what. She asked me if she wanted her to stay, I said yes, please. I fell in love with a woman that day, that is what I saw. She saw a man lying helpless there that day. I awoke in her that woman that she had buried and discarded and she helped me to see the wonderful man that I always was. I became her child at that point. You see, Maritza was never able to have a child of her own and she realized then that her love for me was now bringing up all of those nurturing qualities that come so naturally to women. I was her baby and she was going to make sure that I was going to recover. She immediately suggested that I not go under the knife. She had been an occupational therapist for years and had worked in the medical community. She knew that medicine is never the answer to health. She told me that health comes to the body when we let it heal itself. She helped me through the seven days at the hospital, she never left my side. We were discharged and she took me in. We moved to New Mexico where she had already been living. God was working on her heart and she could do nothing about it.
Here we are six months later and I am able to live my life without pain killers, I have lost a bunch of weight and have never been healthier in my life. I owe it all to Maritza to help me accept all of me, not just the part that I wanted to accept. I am so grateful and love her beyond words. A few weeks ago we heard about the plans that are being orchestrated by the medical community and the trans community to subvert our children.
We evidenced the rise of the transgender child and the legitimaization of giving these gender non-conforming kids puberty blocking drugs and eventually cross-sex hormones in order to allow them to be themselves. This is a flat out lie and an evil satanic plan to destroy lives from a very young age. Biology is unchangeable, this is just an absolute. Our kids are now targets for mass sterilization and a lifetime of confusion. Make no mistake, this is a diabolical plan that has been well thought out. The trans community knows that through the innocence of children they can normalize this behavior and make it more socially acceptable. Now, with Bruce Jenner coming out and the whole lid has been blown off. Bruce has revealed that autogenyphilia (the desire for man to look like a woman or to be a woman) has no limits. When one has wealth, they think that they can literally become what they have always loved. The love of self has multiplied itself to such a high degree that it knows no bounds. No man can ever become a woman or vice versa. Science will try to make that possible, but you can't mess with perfection.
Maritza and I renounce ever being transgender, we renounce the lie that the devil had sold us both, we renounce that we ever promoted this type of behavior and lifestyle. We seek to lay ourselves at the foot of the cross and ask God to restore to us what was stolen away from us. We promise to work tirelessly to rid this world of this transgender menace. We are committed to sparing children the agony of a life of confusion and instead offer them the hope in learning to love what God made them to be. We offer ourselves to be used in any way that Jesus seems fit to use us for His glory and for His glorious purpose. To teach mankind that God truly loves and cares for His creation and that we are truly perfect just the way that we are.
Thank You For Your Time,
Sincerely and Apologetically,
Sincerely and Apologetically,
Paul & Maritza
We are presently trying to garner more support to get this redemptive message out to the masses and would love to share our story, counsel those that need help, and partner with anyone who wants to help turn the tide on this lie.
Please check out www.transitionradio.net or you can get a hold of Maritza at firstname.lastname@example.org or myself at email@example.com. We look forward to getting this message out to the masses.
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