Feeling trapped in the wrong body has many components and many factors that stem from childhood trauma and the traumas we were subject to throughout life. There are many in this community that do have legitimate claims and dysphorias of many types, how they handle it or deal with it is very personal.
Being in a relationship with a trans identified individual has many challenges and the challenges become even greater when one decides to detransition. The dynamic of the set relationship changes, and there are issues that arise. One would think what is the problem, you are the same individual, right? Well yes I am the same person, but now doubts enter my head, will they leave me because I no longer represent that icon I once was? I look in the mirror and the "man" I once created and the "man" they fell in love with is now changing right before their very eyes.
My mind starts to play tricks with me as the hormone that made me this so called man, is leaving my bloodstream. When I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see. The cumbersome shaving of a body that produces so much hair from 13 years of testosterone is exhausting and almost impossible to get rid of. The hair on my head sparse and grey, making me feel old and unwanted. I don't know how many people actually have detransitioned after being on Testosterone for 13 years, but it is not an easy task to say the least. There is no support for someone like me and I find that my detransitioning has send my spouse into major dysphoria.
I hope time will heal these wounds and that everything will be alright in the end. I am trying to be strong, and I know that I must do this because the T that once provided me with so much strength and relief, is now hurting me in so many ways. There comes a time when we know deep in our hearts there is something one must do, and this is one of those times.
I am fasting for the next 3 to 4 days, I hope the fast brings some clarity and relief to this pain I am in right now. Till next time.....