Friday, January 29, 2016

In The Dark

I remember when I was a small child, everything revolved around gender and stereotypes. I don't know if anyone else has these memories, but my mother made sure I knew I was a girl and focused on providing me with girl things. I was constantly told how wrong I was whenever I engaged in boy play, boy actions and or fought against girl things. I don't know why I did not gravitate towards girly things, but it was the core of my upbringing, the battle between mom and I lasted a life time and to this day, it still does. 
Even after I have detransitioned, my mom is not seeing the results that she would like to see fast enough. I can see the disapproval in her face and demeanor. I know she means well, and I am sure she meant well through out my life, but I believe her push for me to be the girl she gave birth to, actually led to wanting to be more masculine and fight my feminine essence. I find myself now being drawn to more feminine things and can't wait to be seen as a woman, have my long hair back, be able to wear more feminine attire and over all live the remaining years as a woman. 

I think society is at fault for all the confusion and judgment we all face due to our quirkiness. We should all be able to express, experiment and execute our self as we see fit without judgment or ridicule, including from our own parents.  Add religious dogma  to the mix, that plays on people emotions and fears when they do not fit the perfect little gender boxes, is enough to drive people to the opposite direction. If society was less stressed on peoples expression and accepted everyone for who they were, we would not see all the problems we are seeing today. 
I do see improvements, but we have a long way to go. People and their neurosis with what gender is or what sex is suppose to be are only creating internal battles in others which in turn affects everyone on this planet. I say take a chill pill and let people be already. Who cares if a trans person was born the opposite sex they identify as, is it any of your business? Your uterus won't fall off if a trans woman says she is a woman, don't worry they are not asking you for your ovaries to make them complete. No one is trying to take away your womanhood, there are no quotas on earth for the amount of woman allowed, so breath easy you are safe. There is enough room on this planet for trans women and women alike.

Stop playing the biology card, and start realizing there is more to life the sperm and ovum. Oh and for those who claim that I am standing by my "man", if you even knew me, you would know how much of a ball buster and strong headed individual I am. I have come to this completed 180 due to my own detransition, it has allowed me to feel compassion and have a full on understanding of a feeling of being a woman. You may not understand since you have never had to go through this whole cluster fuck of feelings and emotions, but I can tell you this, your nay saying and constant friction helps no one. You don't even know it but you are hurting women as well. There are many women who are born with lots of androgen, they too will be a victim of harassment in their own toilets. So please give it a break and get out of the darkness. Its 2016 we humans are evolving, you don't want to be seen or left to be a dinosaur.  

Life is too precious and our path very difficult to be a thorn in someone else's path. I love you but remember to love yourselves too



Thursday, January 28, 2016

She Is A Woman

humans and our limited ability to understand things beyond our human senses and comprehension, we tend to categorize people by that factors and characteristics we have been taught to use. We limit our world by words and concreteness which in fact only allows us to understand a very small portion of the world we live in. Our brains have not developed to their full capacity and our beliefs are still rather infantile and it shows by our behavior here on planet earth. 
One of the reasons I did a 180 on many of my views regarding trans issues, was the way my wife Lynna was being treated. First by the trans community when she started questioning things after her severe car accident, and recently by radical feminists. When Lynna was recuperating from her accident, she was doubting her self in many ways and  feared that she was not going to be able to continue her transition which led to many questions that were offensive to many in the trans community, with reasons of coarse, which then led to arguments amongst her once friends and followers. I quickly jumped in and defended her as her boyfriend at the time, and although I had lots to lose since I had a media outlet promoting the community, my only concern was Lynna and her health. We said and did many things that we are ashamed of now, and since then we have had a change of heart and  have apologized to a community we both love and respect dearly.
There seems to be an animosity from some radical feminist towards trans women, and when Lynna identified as a gender variant male, they were all in love with her and rallied behind us. But of coarse that was only because we were their darlings, saying what they wanted to hear. Now fast forward when Lynna and I have had a change of heart and wanted to start the New Year with a different tone and voice, a voice that will allow everyone to be who they are without judgment or hate. A voice of unconditional love for all. Well RF would not have it, and instead started challenging, bullying and attacking us for our new message of love.
I want to say to everyone reading this blog that I believe trans women are women, they are the most amazing women on earth. Although some are still learning their way around womanhood, they stumble, may still be in their teenage years, but don't think for one moment that the blossoming will not take place. Once they sort themselves out, own who they are, trans women will be Goddesses without a doubt. My Lynna is the most amazing Goddess around, sorry girls, but she is my queen, my life, my world and my every heart beat. Lynna is beautiful inside and out, she has changed my heart and taught me how to love, something I did not ever know how to do. So here I stand in front of the world and tell you Lynna is a woman, she is a woman because of her heart, her soul, her every essence screams female, and I feel sorry for those of you who cannot allow trans women to be the gender they say they are. Get to know and love one, and you too will quickly see the they are women. 

Lynna has actually taught me to be a women, she has brought Maritza back and now I will fight for her and her transgender sisters. There is room for us all, I am no more or no less of a woman than trans women are. They are amazingly beautiful and tender, they deserve the right to be. 

Love you all, please love yourselves too


Wednesday, January 27, 2016


Everything we ever experience in life stems from the need to grow. We are unaware at the time when the roof seems to be falling on our heads, that the situation which seems horrifying is actually a blessing send from above.  Our pain is our biggest teacher and the times of laughter a time to reflect from our past pain. We are here on this beautiful blue planet to grow, get rid of baggage and over all enjoy the moments provided from our loving creator whom we are connected to in more ways than we know. 
I am not religious in fact, I despise dogma, I feel religion was created to control us and keep us contained in stagnation, fear and confusion. I want to believe that every challenge we face in life, only makes us stronger and teaches us the lessons we are here to learn, making us better people, productive and well rounded in the end. If we don't learn the lesson the first time around, it will continue to show it's ugly head. Just look back at your life, the many times ran into the same situations, no coincidence there. 
Our life and body is like a canvas, there for us to create our masterpiece of life. Don't be afraid to face your demons, for the sooner you accept things, the quicker you learn your lessons and are able to move on. Treat your life like a major Hollywood production, with you and others being actors on a stage. Don't take things to heart or wear your feelings on your sleeves. The things you encounter or the treatment from others is really not just about you, but sometimes it's a collective project for others to learn while you are engaged in their dynamics. I have so much to be thankful for, my journey's and yes I have had many, they have taught me valuable lessons that I will forever hold dear in my heart. I am a better person for it, and now capable of loving beyond measures, something I did not know how to do before. 

Forgiveness is another important player in our lives, we need to start by forgiving ourselves, then others. This is the most freeing tool we can posses as humans. Just take a look at all of the forgiving moments you have had, have you passed the test or are you still holding on to that bag? Remember we are here to grow, to love and to let go. Live in the now, love with all of your might and I hope that you will understand your purpose here on earth, don't think we just come here to live and die, while suffering along the way. There is more to life, are you willing to grow and open up the door? I hope so.

Great Interview with a fellow Detransitioner 

Love you all, but love the heck out of yourself too

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Self Reflecting Bug

In reality when people fight against a particular cause or person, they are actually fighting the demons they deal with, within themselves on a daily basis.  My transition was all about hating parts of me that was made to feel undesirable and unwanted. The upbringing and stereotypical format we as women are use to contend with, leads us to become that which we hate, and run away from that which we are. I see all these movements waving a hate flag, making everyone the enemy and in reality doing much of nothing but endless void voices without action or real cause. 
I fought my femininity for the longest time and only wanting to feel my masculine parts that constitutes a part of me. I feel so much need now to embrace the sacred feminine in me. I want my long hair, my soft hairless skin, a body that moves swiftly and gingerly through this world. I want more than anything to feel that gentle nature that I fought hard to get rid off, because I didn't want to be hurt by others in the end. That fear only leads to hurt, not only self but others. We really do not need to battle, battles are destructive and in the end hurts not only your oppressors but yourself as well. 

Take time to reflect, to feel the pain, own it, understand it, then push it away. Forgive and forget, because just the mere memory is damaging. How many women live in fear of rape because they were once raped or molested, if you hold on to that, the damage will follow you for the rest of your life? Trust me freeing yourself from that is so powerful and healing. If you hold on to it, it will continue to harm you and others around you, you will not allow true love in your heart and will bring more of the same pain into your life.
Take the time to heal, be present and notice your every thought. Are you constantly angry? Are you always thinking someone is going to hurt you or that you are entitled? Let go of those thoughts free yourself from that prison. There is no one out to get you, the world is your oyster and everyone in life there to love and help you. Create this reality and watch your world change.

Woman are not a commodity for a political movement, women are part of humanity which has another component. We need each other to make this world go round and to make life happen. Men are just as important for the survival our species and are just as much of a victim as we are. Remember you can't wash one hand without another.  

Love you all, but love yourselves too

Monday, January 25, 2016

Happiness Is Yours

We all believe that we will be happy if  and when we obtain a certain materialistic good, achieve a certain look, or receive any of the worldly marker of success, be it a career or a relationship of choice.  But in the end as we go through life chasing our dreams to be "happy, happiness was already in you. Nothing you do or did was actually the precursor of that happiness. 
We join groups whether online or in person that have what we believe are the characteristics that we honor and believe in. But these groups are they really looking out for your best interest? Are they really what you believe in, or is it something that was placed there? It is important to grasp the knowledge of self, to understand you fully. Are you happy because you are, or because someone told you, you would be happy if you obtain these things in life? It's safe to say that many of you really are not aware of your deep needs, inner concepts of self and are just waving someone else's flag, instead of your own.
Most political platforms uses people and their emotions to promote their agendas. Be it religious dogma, a political party, or an idealistic organization promoting hate and separation. If you want to be happy, happiness will not be accomplished by following any of these paths which in the end do nothing more than create problems for the world.
If you want to be happy find your center, go out in nature, create and start a hobby. Help the less fortunate, get in the best shape of your life. Sing, dance and paint. Stop fighting the good fight, just be you and be happy. Never forget that the only way those that control the world win, is by dividing us all, if we unite we win and they lose.
Learn to love everyone and meet them where they are at, one day you might be facing the same hateful witch hunt by a group that thinks what you do  or say is wrong. Create your reality and world, and happiness will be yours for the taking.

Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being defined by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. A variety of biological, psychological, religious and philosophical approaches have striven to define happiness and identify its sources. ( Or is it?)
Love you all

Saturday, January 23, 2016

For Crying Out Load

For the past week or so, I feel like I have been invaded by the witches of Salem, no really, I have been labeled from everything like rapist apologists, women hater,  MRA and everything under the sun because I support my wife Lynna and the trans community. I was going through my own turmoil and fighting my own inner demons when I spoke against the community I fought hard and long for. But now that I have worked through all of my challenges, I can clearly see, and no longer wish to go against a community that I have loved for years.  My wife is transgender, I love her more than life itself. I owe no allegiance to anyone but her. I am sorry if people think I have made a complete 180 and feel forsaken, I cannot support your hate and lack of compassion for my wife and those like her. 
I have been getting slammed on all of my social media outlets, and have felt the heat from many who follow the radical feminist think tank. The group WOLF, who also have a page on face book called: we demand sex segregation safe women's spaces, have gone over board with screen shots and just trying to vilify Lynna and I for not agreeing with their mantra. We don't want to invade your spaces, the bathrooms are there for a purpose and that is to use them. Trans women have every right to use the bathroom that reflects their legal documentation, as you have every right to howl at the moon and run naked on your own private camps. There is room enough on this planet for everyone to co exist and live. Now grow up and learn to play in the sand box with others. In addition you don't have to date trans women if you don't want to, stop the paranoia and just lighten up already.
Lynna and I hate no one, we don't support harming women in any way, we do support equality for everyone, and the ability to allow humans to live as they feel best. If that makes us haters then by all means. But stop with the constant barrage and ridiculous allegations, and if you really wanted to do right by women, stop pushing your hate on the world.
Now to change the subject, since I am really over this whole rad fem fiasco, I wanted to say that I have noticed weight gain since stopping T, funny enough when I wanted to transition in May, the weight started to fall off real rapidly, this time the opposite is happening. My sex drive continues to drop, my over all health is good, no mood swings or fatigue, sleeping great and feeling really good. The headaches are less frequent if at all. Feeling good, loving returning to me, detransitioning was definitely the right thing for me to do. Goodbye Mark, hello Maritza, I can't wait to blossom into the great women that I know I can be. Will I be butch or will I be fem? Well, I think I will be a bit of both, no different than what I use to be back in the day.

Love you all

Friday, January 22, 2016

Love Is All That Matters

Finding self acceptance and understanding that the only constant in life is change may help us evolve and grow in our wisdom. There are many people in the world that are stuck in logistics believing that biology is the only true marker for sex and identity. I use to be one of those people till my detransitioning and awakening took place.  I am detransitioning not because I don't believe that sex is none negotiable, as I use to believe before, but instead because my female side is more powerful and I missed her so. I could have easily continued to live as Mark, I played him very well. But I miss Maritza's gentle smile, her strength of character which was stronger than Marks Alpha appearing nature. Maritza needed to heal and took a back seat, while Mark handled things for the 13 years of my trans experience. 
I believe transition has made me a better person, and I find that I am so much more complete now than ever before. I don't need to fight society or the system to prove who I am, I know now I am that I am. I have learn to love, something Maritza did not know how to do, not even Mark, but through my lived experience and the presence of my angel Lynna, my heart opened up and now all I can feel is love. Unconditional divine love. I  can now feel, when before I was closed and unexpressive. Lynna freed me, showed me how to love in ways I didn't think where possible.
I will fight for her and for all my trans brothers and sisters, dare anyone talk bad or not validate their truth, for I will speak up, I will prove how wrong the nay sayers are. They are simply scared and their fears are creating the divide. Biology is not as concrete as we may think it is, humans have not even began to scratch the surface of the brain, the heart and the soul. 
I still believe people need to be mindful that transition is what they truly want and need. There are lots of complications and concerns to be had. But please be free to be, be love, be present and most of all be kind. For in the end with all the material things we gather and all of the hatred we harbor, the only thing in life that really matters is love.

Love you all

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Please Explain

Ever since Lynna and I have decided to no longer be anti trans  and actually bring a positive light while maintaining a healthy education platform, we have then felt the wrath from the Radical Feminism cult. I have been told that Rad Fems are not about hate, separation and war against men, so please help me understand these quotes:
"All sex, even consensual sex between a married couple, is an act of violence perpetrated against a woman."
-- Catharine MacKinnon, Marxist, professor of law at the University of Michigan

"All men are rapists and that's all they are"
-- Marilyn French,The Women's Room (Percent of reported rape or near-rape incidents = .07% [FBI Uniform Crime Report list for 1996])

"Marriage as an institution developed from rape as a practice."
-- Andrea Dworkin, feminist author, lesbian activist, former prostitute

"Heterosexual intercourse is the pure, formalized expression of contempt for women's bodies."
-- Andrea Dworkin

"Under patriarchy, every woman's son is her potential betrayer and also the inevitable rapist or exploiter of another woman,"
-- Andrea Dworkin, Liberty, p.58

"Sex and murder are fused in the male consciousness, so that the one without the imminent possibility of the other is unthinkable and impossible."
-- Andrea Dworkin, Letters from a War Zone

"When a woman reaches orgasm with a man she is only collaborating with the patriarchal system, eroticizing her own oppression..."
-- Sheila Jeffreys, lesbian activist, professor of political science at the University of Melbourne, Australia

"It is not only men convicted of rape who believe that the only thing they did that was different from what men do all the time is get caught."
-- Catharine A. MacKinnon, Toward a Feminist Theory of the State, 1989, First Harvard University Press (a legal treatise comparing feminism with socialism and communism)
I personally am appalled by these words, and frankly ashamed. Thankfully I know that my being a woman is not tied to feminism in any way, in fact I want nothing to do with it.  I love men, I love women, I love trans individuals, gays and lesbians. I believe that ideology is destructive in all of its forms and needs to be eradicated like the cancer that it is. Men and women both have faults and virtues, no sex is better or more worthy than the other. They both need to learn to co exist and deal with age long hurt that has been passed from generation to generation. So please help me explain what does all this fighting solve?
I want to appeal to your human nature, those of you who are anti trans, who feel that biology is all that matters, think about this for one moment: genitals in a fetus is undifferentiated, meaning we have the possibility of being either or depending on the hormonal bathing.
There are various combinations and events that can go wrong during development, also let us not forget the spirit and personality of this child and person, that is more than just a penis or a vagina, a womb or sac. People are more than their chromosomes and DNA, they are humans with feelings, needs and intrinsic behaviors and personalities.
Why should we deny them their reality and happiness? Why must you build your political campaign around someone else's life and needs. Rise up from your judgment and personal opinion and try to be tolerant and accept that not everything in life is black or white, there are many shades of grey.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Let Go

I am a true believer that diseases stem from inner turmoil created by our outer realities. Some people are as strict about their beliefs as a stiff rod, they in no way know how to sway like a palm tree. But like a palm tree that survives the brutal storm, the stiff rod will get pulled out of its roots and will loose their center and life source.  
Humans have been taught to follow dogma, read books and cling on to theories that in reality do not hold much water, books are written by humans, who we know can't be trusted with factual information, especially when an exchange of goods is the bottom line. We must live life with an open heart, realizing that the only constant in life is change, and change is the only constant. We can believe one thing one minute and another the next. No harm no foul, it's human nature. 
It's easy to grasp on to a cause that fits our hurt and lives situation, we see it all the time. Young men and women joining the military to fight for their country, and what are they really fighting for. Religious extremist, preaching the gospel and letting everyone know that the end is here, an end that seems to never get there, only in the minds of those that behave like the stiff rod. Women's and Men's activism is no different, they cling to beliefs, create scenarios to wage war and in the end, the cycle continues without an end or resolution in sight. Driven by dogma, individuals who have suffered and feel hurt, in turn this hurt makes them want to hurt others, sometime without realizing what they are doing. I am not trying to point fingers here or pit one group against another, although I have been accused of this, I just want people to realize that this endless cycle of hate needs to stop. Please let it go, come from a place of love, compassion, forgiveness and unity. We are all suffering here, every human has to deal with diseases, financial problems, growing old, a deteriorating planet and over all the battles we create in our heads.
Women are important yes, I get that. I am a woman too. But having lived in both genders has given me an insight that allows me to tear down all the wall we create and have compassion for both genders.  I can see that all we want is to feel safe, loved and seen. But in order for us to have all of that, we need to fortify this to ourselves and others. It takes work to heal, but you can't expect to heal if you are harboring ill feelings towards others. Just my two cents and humble opinion, you can fight me all you want and feel betrayed, but I am not betraying you, on the contrary, I am trying to bring a different outlook to the cause.
Forgiveness is an amazing tool, love you all but remember to love yourself too.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016


My wife wrote on her Face Book wall  a few days ago (and since we have been the target for many rad fems) the meaning of radical and how anything extremes is destructing and divisive. When we bring up the curtains and remove the veil, we actually get to see the truth behind the intent. Let it be known that any movement that may have been started with organic and purest of intent, ends up being perverted by politics and its original meaning lost and ruined. 
Angry people stand behind these movement pushing their own angry filled agenda and hate. Lets take a look at Jesus, he came to show us the way, and told us "we too can do great things than him and that the kingdom of eternity and love is within us, not outside of us". It's not based on what you tithe or how many times you go to church, or if you judge others, (so you don't get to see your own faults). So Christianity, although claimed to be started by or for  Jesus, was actually a tool of politic devise, it is used to push hateful agenda's and to promote a separatist mentality. I know there are good hearted Christians, but the gist of the religion is based on blood shed and control, the follower are taught not to think and have blind faith, they judge others, and feel they are better than everyone else, at least this is what Lynna and I have encountered and I am sure others have too. But we don't hate Christians or wish for them to have separate bathrooms and an island of their own. 
Same thing goes for this Rad Fem movement, started with good intent but instead is now based on venom and hatred against men. I will say, men are responsible for lots of bad things, but women went right along with it, so why put all the blame on one species and see the other as a saint? Women have power, in fact women dominated in years past, just do some research on matriarchal systems in ancient history.  Women are entitled to their privacy from men, but what they don't get is that trans women see themselves as women, they gave up the male card and the same hormones run through their veins as any genetic female. Their hearts feel just the same, so why push them away, to promote the hateful agenda that most Rad fems push?
I stand for women, I stand for men, I stand for trans folks, I stand for everyone in the LGBT community, I mostly stand for love and acceptance for all. Stop pushing your hateful agenda's and for those that say its not hate, they are only protecting women, no you are not, and yes you have hate, deal with truth and find out what makes you feel this hate and please get help. Man hating is not normal, in fact any kind of hating is pathological. 
Two wrongs don't make a right and forgiveness may just save you in the end. Carrying anger and allowing our traumas to dictate our lives only creates further problems and divide. My own anger almost destroyed me, coming from a place of love and understanding feels way better, believe me.

I love you but remember to love yourselves too

Monday, January 18, 2016

I See You

Playing with hair pieces and look

Soul searching is one of the most painful self discovery a person can undertake. No amount of therapy in my opinion can fortify you with the deepest discovery of finding you. We go through life building walls, hiding who we truly are in order to protect ourselves, not realizing the damage we are actually creating with in our psyche and mind. 
As a child we learn real quick how to hide our inner truth in the quest of belonging to a group and be seen. We engage in behavior that may not feel comfortable, surround  ourselves with people, habits and careers that may not be at all in alignment with our true intent. So we grow up resentful, angry, fearful and over all unhappy. 
It is important to stay real to our soul purpose, to understand what we are all about, not what others want us to be like. I have learn the hard way, and my path has been painful. I have done things to please others, and to feel like I belong. Creating an image that slowly became angry and full of ego. I can tell you now that feeling was not good, I lived a lie, in order to feel accepted and looked up to. But instead I ended up hurting many people, and I will forever regret my actions, words and disrespect to a community that did not deserve my belittling actions and words. 
We each have a journey to take, maybe mine had a purpose, albeit, I wish I would have been kinder, but I believe now by returning to my truth, I can help heal and mend the damage I created. In addition, help others question their truth and over all create a space where people can talk freely without ego and defensiveness. People are hurting, there are so many reasons for this, but we need to realize that no one pain is more important than another. We all matter. I want to say to all in the LGBT community, to our allies and to those who do not agree with who we are, or  who we try to be, find a space in your heart that allows you to come from a compassionate source, don't point fingers or create a judgment. Instead, reach deep and try to feel the pain of others by simply remembering the pain you have experienced in your life before. Pain is pain, let us learn to see each other through the eyes of love. To all, I want to say that I see me now, and  I can now see you.
I love you but remember to love yourselves too

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Self Acceptance

Having self doubts no matter what gender identity or sexual preferences you may have has become the norm of our existence.  No matter where you turn to you are being told that you could do or be better if you looked a certain way or buy this or that product. Plastic surgery has become the solution for the unhappy, and big pharma has a pill that will make you forget all of your problems. We live in a synthetic world, a world that has kicked the natural into the curb. Many are dying with cancer, a disease of an invasion of your soul. Cancer takes no prisoners, every cell of your body is consumed changed and turned against itself. The treatment is no better, radiation and chemo the destruction of the good and the bad in hopes to eradicate itself.  
We want so badly to belong, to be seen like the cool kid, beautiful, radiant, slim, a masterpiece of perfection, after all the boob tube tells you so. No wonder our kids are wanting to be someone else, adults can't deal with their world anymore, prozac and booze becomes the breakfast of champion in most house holds. Religion only sends us into a further spin by condemning our every move and inner feelings. Try to send a positive message to someone and they drag you in their dark world and shoot you without remorse.
I have found that self acceptance is the way to find true happiness, the more we try to fit into the protocol we are told we should be, the more it pushes us away from our center. Life is not easy, it is filled with contradictions, pain inflictions and over all sad undertones. The only one that can change that is you, switch the channel, turn it off, find your center, even if it means you need to find a hole to crawl in and meditate away your lack of outer control. You and only you have the key to your happiness and acceptance. 
I have a long road to travel but I know I am in the right path. Breath and exhale, take one baby step at a time and before you know it you will be there.

Love you all

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Unconditional Love

We use the world love often and unconsciously, throw it around without any true concept of what Love truly is.  We are taught from a very young age that we are loved if we do what we are told, even our own parents who brought us into this world fail to provide us the gift of unconditional love and that to me is a source of sadness beyond belief. This lack of unconditional love from our safe haven, creates the spiral of our life long relationship problems, including the relationship we have with ourself. 
We come into this world to build not only our bank accounts and ego, but to build our spiritual connection with our higher self and our fellow spirits. Every interaction we have here on earth is not a coincidence, but a carefully planned contract that allows us to work through the many challenges and working that are fortified to us here on planet earth.
When we judge others, we are merely reflecting on something inside of us we don't like. Our relationships are there to help us see inside of self, sort of a mirror image. If you look at your past relationships and notice that we continue to be faced with similar situations it is no coincidence that these relationships are a guide for our growth, till you work things out, you will continue to be presented with the same situations time and time again. I believe in twin flame connections, and I believe that many of us are fortunate enough to be provided the gift of finding our twin. I am thankful to have found mine and ever since, my evolution and growth has sky rocketed in incredible ways, this is how you know you are with your twin, when you are faced with growth and challenges beyond your imagination.  
Keep working on yourself and rid self of judgement and your life will change, you may even get to encounter your true other half. Life is exciting and can be an incredible teacher. Surrender to its lessons and navigate with an open heart and the world will be a kinder place. I have made many mistakes in my life time, but what I have learn from these mistakes is priceless, I would not change a single thing, even my transition, because my transition allowed me to meet my twin and now I am the happiest person alive, navigating the smooth seas with the sun shinning on my face and the world is my canvas, I will paint the images and pictures I wish to see, creating an ever flow of love, abundance, health and peace. I wish you all an amazing journey of learning and gratitude, give unconditional to yourself and others and that love will be fortified in return. Happy loving.....

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

                             2 months Testosterone Free 

For the past 13 years I have been playing a role  of a character I created. Mark Angelo Cummings as head strong as the name sounds,  it also embodied the full creation of a alpha man who I would have wanted to fall in love with, marry and that would help me heal the wounds created by the men in my life. I wanted to be what I wish most men could be, but somewhere down the line things got misconstrued and the man I was trying to create, slowly started to become like the ones I hated. I was self center, egotistical, narcissistic, unable to stay focus and in the end destroyed everything Maritza managed to create.
Although many may think of my narrative, as strange, considering myself as two individuals, my duality in my opinion is not a pathology but a self defense mechanism to help me deal and cope with all the challenges life presented me. Maritza wanted back after around the 5 year mark, but didn't know how to return.   She watched from a far while Mark continued to make a mess of things, acting like a demanding adolescent who believed the world revolved around him, no one else matter but "him". Playing with his new found male privilege, Mark wanted to change the world as Mark saw it, in the end hurting many that where unfortunate to cross his path. Now in all fairness, I can't say he was a complete monster, after all, Maritza still had a foot inside the abode, but kept silent as an observer, quietly shaking her head as she watched on horror. 
Fast forward many years, Maritza started to slowly take back her mind, but what still handicapped by the male hormone that did not allow her to completely take control of what was rightfully hers. Until finally with the change of events, Maritza was able to break free and now has finally returned. I feel more alive than ever, I feel I was able to learn more about men, life in general, than ever before. I feel blessed although lots of damage was done, I am now able to repair and heal while finally moving forward to the rest of my life.
It feels so good to be me again, leaving me, has helped me appreciate who I truly am. I have more respect for the trans community, which fight hard to fine themselves on a daily basis. Feeling alive is a wonderful feeling, I say here is to all of us who have been lost and lonely, may you find your truth in whatever form that may be.

It blows my mind how quickly the retransition is taking place leaving me to think did it ever happen

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Dysphoria A Variety Of Feelings

So I learn to understand that not everyone in the trans community actually feels or encounters Dysphoria the same  way or with the actual intensity that some do.  I for one had very little dysphoria, and what I presumed was Dysphoria of my breast was actually caused by the boundaries I created from being sexually molested as a young child. I felt my breast was the center of my dysphoric feelings and what I felt when they were  touched was a dirty, feeling, therefore, I did not want them touched, I grew to hate them. I now have worked through that, a bit late I know, lol, but I often imagine how it would feel like if I had breast again. I would welcome them and not have the old relationship I had with them before. 
I look in the mirror now and I have so much work to do, the excess body hair and battle to rid of it, my face, the hardness, the facial hair battle and of coarse my male pattern baldness, all create a different type of dysphoria. I believe what I am experiencing now is what most trans folks experience but in reversal. This has now allowed me to have so much more compassion and understanding for my trans family, yes they are still my family, I grew to love, yet hate at the same time, just like an average dysfunctional families dynamics unfolds when dealing with issues they don't want to face.  We do most of our spiritual growth through our love ones, we face our biggest challenges through our interactions with them. So I want to thank the community for helping me grow and heal. We may not always agree but we can come to terms and learn to accept each others differences and respect our stance. 
I find I have more dysphoria now than before, and having a much harder time dealing with things or should I say finding patients. When I transitioned from female to male, the changes were quickly and strong. Now that I have all the male characteristics after 13 year of Testosterone and androgen use as a female body builder, the hardness of my face, voice and male characteristics are not as easy to reverse if at all. So believe me when I say, Trans sisters I feel your pain. 
I was cruel to not be understanding, but trust me when I say, I will try to do what I can to help the world understand your plight. I also want to help the adjacent communities find compassion in their hearts for the trans community, it is not a good place to be in harboring hate and resentment. Trans women are a different kind of women, some see themselves as much of a woman as we are. I want to help them feel at peace and at ease, I believe that if we unite and learn to understand one another, we can do great things as humans, and learn that we are more alike than we are different.  Waving a flag to make a political statement creates blood shed, lasting hurt that not only hurts the target, but hurts the one pulling the trigger of that hate gun. Remember being right is not always the solution, feeling peace and love is the way to freeing your soul.
Let us make 2016 the year of acceptance, a year that we can be proud of. We are women and I know we have been hurt through out history, but we can change that but not through politics or war, but instead through compassion and understanding. Remember many of you are mothers and will bring to this earth a child that one day may question his or her gender identity. Let us create a safe playground for our gender expression and well being.

Much Love

Monday, January 11, 2016


So my new found epiphany of being kinder, nonjudgemental is creating problems amongst some of my once radical feminists friends. They are now saying I am no longer an ally because I empathies with men. Let me say this, I know many see trans women as men, and I am guilty of that in the past, but since being married and in love with a trans woman, I must fortify her the decency of love and understanding, and can see her female energy above her biology. Maybe that is all we need to do, is show these individuals respect, and that we understand their pain and see that they care enough about us, to want to leave their male camps. Why must we find the need to tell them they are not women, I think they know that biologically they are not, and the pain they feel may not allow them to realize what many see as reality. 
I don't understand why I must choose sides, and why I can't have compassion for both, women and trans women. I am sorry the life long battle that has been going on for centuries must continue to be placed in the forefront. I for one find that what we resist will persist, if we continue to focus on what we don't like or want, we will only get more of the same. So, one group feels they are being wiped from the phase of the earth because another group wants recognition, can we not co exist and maybe try to help each other out?
I think that as a species we need to really look at what is going on here, we are going around in circles trying to justify our ideology and force this ideology on others, and no one is listening to another persons needs, instead creating scenarios that hurt everyone, not just women. I want to say that I love women, I am a woman and I will always hold allegiance for my sisters, but I also have allegiance for my spouse and my trans female friends, which I have alienated for a while now by  waving a hate flag. I am sorry I can no longer do that, I want to come from a place of love, compassion and forgiveness. So all I ask is to please respect my views and do not try to shame my new views or pit me against my feminists friends who understand my opinions and new beliefs. People grow, they change and they evolve. I am sorry you feel betrayed, those are not my intentions, I am just being honest and real.   We want to continue to be a beacon of love and light and there is no room for hate. I want to continue to focus on my detransition, I want to continue to spread knowledge to help people understand their struggles, not point them out and judge them for it. As women, our power may lie in our ability to have compassion and be the peace makers, if we wage battle towards others for pushing our own needs, what makes us any better than what we are fighting against. 
I get it, many will read my words and see me now as the enemy and no longer an ally, well I am sorry you feel that way. I can still be an ally without having to carry around the need to want to destroy the opposition.  I am part of the trans umbrella although I am a detransitioner, I can't throw them under the bus because I chose to no longer identify as a trans man, they have a right to live and be. 

Sunday, January 10, 2016


It has been 2 months since I have been off Testosterone and I feel great. I am currently not on any hormones and allowing my body to do her own thing. I am confident that she will do right by me and I will be the picture of health and balance. I am happy emotionally, feeling good physically and today we have started another water fast. I believe fasting will expedite the healing process as will eating natural organic foods.
I wanted to discuss the changes I have seen thus far. First of all, my mind feels so much sharper as does my speech. I have always had a bit of a loss for words since transitioning, the research shows the a loss of grey matter takes place which affects our communication and now since being free of T for 2 months I feel more fluid and coherent. My facial and body hear are still coming in coarse and steady, not happy about that, and hoping that it will change with the passing months. I will be scheduling Laser when I move to Florida in a couple of months. 
My hair progress is coming along just fine and I have learn some really cool procedures that I will be using  to help it along. I was informed about a derma roller that is not only good for the skin but to stimulate hair follicles, here is a link Derma roller
Here is a comparison shot on the Left was the initial shot on Nov 15th on the right is on Jan 10th 2016. 

I am excited to see the many changes I will experience, already I see my face is softening up and that is with out estrogen of any kind since I don't have ovaries and I am not supplementing as of yet. I will play it by ear and see how it goes. If I take anything it will be natural, non synthetic.
As we lay in bed fasting and writing my blog, I can't help but wonder what is in store for the future. The challenges I still face with documentation changes, and learning to navigate my environment again after living life as a male identified person. I am optimistic and happy with lots of new found peace that radiates in every word I say and every thought I think. I am blessed to have a wonderful supporting spouse by my side who loves me for me, and that is whats important. My detransitioning has allowed me to have more compassion for the trans community and to be more empathetic with others. I know that many are not in accordance with the trans community for whatever reasons, but I have learned that everyone is entitled to live their lives. I do want to place emphasis on the importance to know if transitioning is right for you and not just to jump on the bandwagon because you think its the cooler thing to do. Do lots of soul searching, you don't want to do what I did and find out 13 years later that is was the wrong path. Note it was the wrong path for me, I am not saying it is the wrong path for everyone. I can only share my story and speak about me, and me alone.
Any way guys hope you are having a relaxing Sunday, I know Lynna and I are, chilling and fasting, reaching ultimate levels of healing and continuing to do much soul searching.

Lots of Love

Saturday, January 09, 2016


Coming to terms with self is an amazing experience and not to mention very healing. I have been judged by many in all camps of the LGBT community as well as outside of it. I have done plenty of judging myself, therefore, I am just as much to blame for feeding into that paradigm. 
I want to start a new, focusing on solutions and not just pointing out the problems. In saying that, I  believe we are all hurting one way or the other, wherever we are in life. I believe that there are no coincidences and my path has not been in vein. I have grown and learn many things during my transition, and now I will put in use all of the lessons mastered into affect.
I am a wonderful human being and I will not be harsh on self or others but instead be of service for those that need it. I am at peace with my decisions and journey. I reached out to my gender therapist that I went to in 2003, I had four sessions and after she provided me with the letter, I never returned nor did she request follow up. I have forgiven myself as well as her for not really providing me with real solutions, in my opinion, 4 sessions were not enough and more were needed for better self discovery. I hope that I can raise awareness in her new practice with 20 other therapist working under her. I hope they are not so quick to hand out trans tickets to our youth and those of us who are gender variant and not fully trans. In the past I was angry and wanted everyone to fit into my regret box, but now I know that this is about me, and me alone. I want people to question their decisions, to make sure that transition is their solution. I want society to have more acceptance of gender variance, so that we don't feel the need to conform to strict gender boxes. 
I am so grateful for my epiphany, for through this I know I will be fine and heal. I hope others can also find their peace whatever form that will be. 
Let us unite, not fight, instead of pointing out problems, let us find solutions, kinder remedies, and an over all space for communication, so that we can once and for all see each other for who we are.

Love you all


Perspectives Change, But Love Is The Same

Friday, January 08, 2016

Love Is The Key To Healing

In the past I have allowed my emotions to get the better of me, being more reactive and not really thinking things through. If someone attacked me, I felt the urge to attack back. But since my vacation in Florida and hanging out with my sister and her lover who are really working with spiritual tools to help heal the soul, I have had a change of heart on what my approach will be from now in my advocacy. I will no longer find problems but instead focus on solutions coming from the heart and not mind based. I will no longer attack communities because they are no aligned with what I think is right. 
I will work to help heal people and share my journey as a tool for healing and not destruction. I now know that my approach was wrong and that I have no one to battle with, I am here to grow and evolve as a spirit being having a human experience. I apologize to all that I have hurt in the past with my words and strict dogma on how transitioning should or should not be. I will continue to educate providing information for those who need it, but I will not judge or use harsh words. I hope the new years brings everyone peace of mind and heart. I wish everyone on whatever journey you are on, pure love and tranquility, may you find that peace you seek. I will lead by example, and hope we can all one day make peace and not war.
It has been a real snowy couple of days, lots of time to reflect on my two weeks vacation, we are looking forward to moving to Florida and looking forward to being a beacon of love and light for those who wish to hear our message.

Love to all

Thursday, January 07, 2016

Releasing The Battle

Well hello everyone, hope you enjoyed your holidays, I know we did, South Florida is an amazing place full of life and very green. Lynna and I spent an amazing two weeks with my family and getting reacquainted with our Caribbean roots. The amazing flavors of Cuban and Puerto Rican cuisine made our vacation even that more enjoyable.  The dynamics between my family and Lynna were very favorable and although I know my mother would much prefer Lynna to be fully male identified, they still made a connection that I am sure will grow as time goes by. My sister and her partner were the most gracious of hosts and made our stay there incredibly memorable. We made videos during the time there, some detransitioning ones and some as a couple.  
One of the things I learn during the past two weeks is the real pain Lynna is in and how she battles with gender and how society wishes her to be. I can be empathetic with her, since after all she is my heart and I love her beyond any measure, this love has allowed me to have more compassion for others and not just focus on my anger towards the trans community and the patriarchal system. In saying this my views are still the same, I am full on detransition mode, and I still believe that happiness is not found in an operating table or by taking hormones, but this conclusion is mine and mine alone, and I can't force my views on the trans community, it would make my plight no different than theirs as they try to force the world to see them. We have to see ourselves and realize this is a self journey and only self can be the catalyst for change.  I still feel that transition is not for everyone and that we should not facilitate the option to our youth, instead we should allow them to self express, to explore their identity and to give their bodies a fighting chance by going through puberty, its part of our human experience. 
My journey has allowed me to be grateful for having been born female, I can now appreciate who I am. My health is amazing considering I have no hormones flowing through my veins, only what my pituitary and adrenal glands are providing and I believe this will be enough to keep me healthy. I feel a sense of peace and although Lynna has been a challenge since my detransitioning, I figure it has had to be hard for her losing her Mark, the person she fell for when she headed to New Mexico. But I know deep in my heart that we will be just fine, our love is strong enough to deal with all this gender challenges and questioning of self. I hope to make mends with those I may have hurt during my retaliation phase when I felt a back lash from the trans community, I want peace for everyone and I realize that everyone is on a journey and I am no one to tell them how to travel their path. 
Here are some of the videos we made during our vacation :