Monday, October 03, 2016

I remember thinking, when I underwent certain procedures to affirm, at the time what I thought was my "true" identity, (I had a bilateral mastectomy and full hysterectomy at the Cleveland Clinic in South Florida) how happy I was, as they removed the bandages from my chest, and I saw for the very first time, the scars where my breasts use to be and the recreated "man" crusted nipples and hoping they would not fall off after the resizing and recreation of them. My brain was trying to understand what just happened, and I was unconsciously preventing from going into shock, the already set in program of you will be happy after this is done, was battling the reality of the situation.  I smiled and thought, "yeah, I am now a man" so I thought. Rethinking this and in a sane/healthy state of mind I am now in, I ask, who makes us believe that a removal of the healthy breasts and reproductive organs make us men?  When in reality there are millions of women who undergo these procedures, not because they want to, but because they have to due to cancer or other illnesses, shameful, I know. 

Looking back now, and knowing what I know today, these types of procedures should be outlawed and doctors jailed who perform them. Unless you have breast cancer and this is going to save your life, bilateral mastectomy for an individual who alleges to have gender dysphoria should not be allowed to undergo such procedures. These are healthy parts, nothing wrong with them, it is our mental state in question, it is the individual who has the problem of low self-esteem, wanting to be something they are not and thinking that this will solve their problems, this is beyond ludicrous and insane. No surgical alterations should be allowed for individuals with any type of body dysmorphia, mental conditions (GD is a mental condition, I don't care how the trans advocates managed to have it questioned and removed) working through the real issues is the answer. It makes as much sense as cutting up your stomach and intestines to lose weight, this is the society we are living in. Health care is nothing about health and all about filling up big pharma and the medical community's pockets with dollars. The "professionals" who are in charge of making these decisions need to have their heads examined.

There is lots of work to be done for those of us who are in the process of de-transitioning, and there is no help provided by these organizations that are pushing the trans agenda, a class action lawsuit is definitely in order. Healing, getting all of our documentation changed, learning to adapt to a scared body, living without any form of hormones, especially those of us who have had a radical hysterectomy and refuse to go on synthetic estradiol that is harmful and uncharted for ex-transgender individuals, is not easy. The world is so focused on the transitioning process that those of us who are returning home seem invisible.  
Well on a positive note, I went to a female bathroom for the very first time yesterday, I had been using the gender neutral ones, or just holding it till I got home, but I felt really good about myself yesterday, it has been a little over  3 weeks since my de-transitioning,  and I finally went and used the women's bathroom at Church. I can't tell you the feeling of joy I felt, returning to the bathroom I belong in the one that was created for individuals born with XX chromosomes, the ones with a real vagina, and that would be me. It was the most natural stress-free feeling ever, the other, always felt false and deceitful.  I am so glad to own who I am, my true identity, the identity God gave me, I am a woman and can't ever be anything else. Yesterday at church the Pastor (I love this man, he speaks from his heart) talked about how our gender is eternal and we are born with it and transcend with it wherever we go, so for those of you in the trans community who think you can change this how wrong you are, and how tormented you will be for eternity until you accept what God gave you.
Although when I look in the mirror, I am still not quite happy with what I see, the hopes is that laser will remove the unwanted hair on my face and body, that the hair on my head will start to grow in, and that my skin will return to the skin I had (I know I am older, and that there will be some alterations from the beautiful 37-year-old I use to be before I started using androgens, but I will be thankful to feel complete as the woman I was meant to be.
How I am feeling since de-transitioning:
My appetite has decreased, my strength is going down, I find myself losing weight, loss of muscle mass, headaches began this morning, guess my hormonal levels are changing, the body is trying to adapt. I am trying to do this without using estradiol but will take it one day at a time. 
Emotionally I feel great, went shopping at the dollar store yesterday after church, and bought some more makeup, nail polish, and womanly smelling lotion. I am embracing the feminine in me, something I use to hate before. I feel like God is recreating me, healing me, and it feels wonderful. 
I am sure there is lots of work to be done, 13 years is no easy to erased in 3 weeks, I am for certain though that gender dysphoria and the trans mantra needs to be stopped dead in its tracks. People need to work on the real issues and that is a lack of self-love and acceptance. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your gender or body parts, it is your mental and emotional state that needs to be looked at. You need God in your heart, God heals everything. You may not see the results from your prayers right away, it takes time, have patience, but realize that when you start to develop a relationship with God, the void you once felt will disappear, he has your back and he loves you beyond words.  I am saddened by the lack of love for God or even belief in our creator. How can anyone not believe, how do we justify all of his wonderful design? Just look around you, everything has his fingerprints on it. 

Till Next Time
Maritza Lopez

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